Tuesday, June 16, 2009


A group of animals announced today the formation of a new organization, Animals for People's Ethical Treatment (APET). A spokesbear read the following prepared statement: "We animals are grateful for everything PETA has done to demonstrate that there is no moral difference between humans and animals. Their efforts have finally begun to bear fruit in legal recognition. In 2004, Austria banned the use of wild animals in circuses and made it illegal to restrain dogs with chains. The Italian city of Reggio Emilia prohibited the live boiling of lobsters and required that humans guarantee all of their pets an equal share of food (which, regrettably, we often don't share with each other). Switzerland then passed sweeping legislation in support, not just of animal protection, but of animal dignity. Animals have not been this well protected since the Nazis took power.

Those laws were merely the forerunners, however. The great victory in animal rights was the Spanish government's enactment of a law providing "human rights" to animals last year. Animals are finally being recognized as the moral equivalent of humans; and, with animal law taught in almost 2/3rds of American law schools, we feel it is now only a matter of time before humans around the world protect our rights with the same vigour they protect their own.

In light of these improvements, we feel it is time for animals to step up and accord the same rights to humans. In recent years, there have been a number of unprovoked animal attacks on humans, notably a stingray's fatal stabbing of Steve Irwin and Roy Horn's severe injury at the hand of one of his tigers, not to mention the usual assortment of bear, shark, and snake attacks. If we, as animals, are going to share in civil society, we have to behave in a civil manner. To this end, we are launching a media campaign to market humans as "land coral" to sharks. We were inspired by PETA's recent attempt to rename fish to sea kittens. We would have liked to adopt some equally cute name for humans, but, even thoug sharks are known to be intelligent and playful, we thought it would be better to choose something that they definitely would not try to eat. We expect our campaign to be every bit as successful as PETA's. APET will also push for stricter laws prohibiting the biting or eviscerating of humans, although, since animals don't form governments and don't respect laws, we anticipate less success with this approach.

While APET promotes human rights among animals, we will also vigorously support PETA's defense of animal rights among humans. We condemn as inhuman and inanimal all those who would deny us full equality. APET also believes in the rights of our brethren the plants, whose moral dignity has only begun to be recognized in certain advanced countries. We look forward to the day when APET will be able to work side by side, not only with PETA, but also with PEAT (Plants for Ethical Animal Treatment)."

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